Living in the question

In a recent conversation with a dear friend of mine, she made the statement, "I would rather be closer to God than to have more worldly things." What she was talking about was that over the course of a long year where she has been in the process of leaving an old job and searching for a new one (one that is closer to the fullest expression of who she is), money has gotten tight and what she has is more questions than answers. It has been a scary time for her.

It has been a scary time for me, too. My friend and I are in the same situation. While to others, we may look lucky. After all, we have both been unemployed for over a year, giving us free schedules to mostly do what we want every day. Plus, we have had the means to continue searching for what feels right in our hearts as something to follow next. That sounds awesome...

But as we have watched our savings dwindle, we have also experienced the sense of urgency to discover the means that satisfies both our hearts and pays the bills. In that situation, living in the question can be terrifying. It also becomes necessary. The truth is that faith and trust become the most valuable and powerful tools we can employ.

Each day, I wonder if I am making a mistake—if my sense of what is possible for me is pure fantasy, and if I need to simply buck it up and find and do work that is tedious and boring. Each day, the idea that the last statement is the answer scares me more than not knowing clearly what my heart wants or how my heart will give me the courage to pursue it.

Will I ever find an agent to represent my novel, Wild Woman?
If I have an agent, how long will it take for him/her to sell it?
How long for it to be published?
Will it make any money?
Will it be successful?
Am I meant to pursue comedy?
Am I meant to pursue acting?
Am I meant to open my bookstore?
Am I meant to go to Divinity School and teach people about spirituality?
Am I meant to?

The questions go on and on. I assume they will continue to go on and on. What I am left with is a reliance on God (Higher Power). My one clear answer is to focus on my relationship with my HP completely and not to beat myself up because I think I wasted the last year because I no longer have the means to buy new jeans or plan a vacation. Everything I have built after leaving my last job, has been on the inside. It has been an arduous process with uncertainties leading the way, scaring me to death on many occasions. And it all leads me back to building a foundation of trust and love and peace in my heart as being the truest way I can live.

As my friend said in a way that shifted my view of my situation (my life) away from what I want that I don't have to the biggest thing I do have: "If we realize that even though this year has been painful in many ways, but we are able to see that it was a year where we got to be closer to God, I would rather have had that than obtain more worldly things." Wow, K. Just wow.

That's right. That is what we have had. A year of our lives where we got to be closer to God.